A version of this article was also published in my column at the Globe and Mail.

A quick story before the article: I’ll never forget this moment many (many, many!) years ago: Early in my career (in communications at the time), I had just started a new job at a big PR agency and attended the department meeting where all the consultants gather to discuss issues, business and related topics. I noticed that many of the consultants (most actually) sat stonily quiet. The VP (dept head) noticed this too and he was not happy about this and let the team know how utterly unacceptable this was. He wasn’t shy about expressing that he doesn’t EVER want to see this happen again in another meeting.  He went on to say that the consultants were well-paid professionals who were hired to think, to contribute, to engage and be active participants in the business. Their silence was clearly not golden in this context!  While I was off the hook (being so new, listening to learn was the right thing to do), I took away an important lesson just the same.

Years later, as a coach, I’ve worked with many managers who find themselves in stony silence during meetings too (either purposely or held back by a fear of speaking up). This prompted the following article. Maybe you can relate? 

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“Silence is golden” – a frequently quoted phrase that reminds us that sometimes it is better to listen more than speak.  This is so true. Listening more and saying less can often be so useful in many contexts.

But is silent always golden? Nope. In fact, sometimes one’s silence can backfire. While of course there are many contexts, this article focuses on staying overly silent in meetings where one might be expected to be a more fulsome contributor to the discussion.

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Over the years I’ve coached many amazing leaders who had an array of strengths, but one area of challenge was that they were too silent in certain meetings. Usually the meetings were outside of their comfort zone – e.g. broader audience,  more senior people, or sometimes, there peers.

While staying silent can sometimes feel safer in some situations it can backfire and ripple into unintended consequences. An overly quiet presence (in some contexts) may mean foregoing the opportunity to: influence a decision or direction; To contribute to ideation; To build connection; And to establish a leadership presence that fosters trust.

Neuroscience teaches us that our brain craves certainty. In a void of silence people often make up their own interpretation as they wonder: What is this person thinking? What are they holding back? What are they not saying? Where do they stand on this issue? Are they even present!?

This is one of many reasons leaders are encouraged to be more transparent in their communications where it warrants.

In my coaching work helping managers tame their overly silent habit we have discovered some common limiting beliefs holding them back.

Limiting Belief: “Talkative folks just want to look good and/or hear themselves speak”.

I’ve had several clients confess that they stayed silent because they were fearful of being perceived as someone who just ‘likes the sound of their own voice.” They held a limiting belief that their more verbal counterparts were just vying for attention or trying to look good in higher profile meetings. While this may be true sometimes, it is not always the case. Some people process by thinking out loud. Some are simply more confident in voicing their thoughts. Worth noting, it is not just their right to speak up – it often their obligation. Managers (and others) are expected to contribute, discuss, and support others in the conversation – as long as they leave room for others to contribute too. In raising this with one of my coaching clients, he came to see he’d been overly judgmental of his more verbal colleagues and began to appreciate their contribution more – and he began to weigh in more authentically himself.

Limiting Belief: I need to say it perfectly right or else I will look bad.

Many people feel safer being silent for fear of looking stupid or ill informed if their thoughts are not perfectly formed or accepted. That’s a lot of pressure! This mindset keeps them stuck in their own head instead of truly being part of the conversation.

Limiting Belief: If you don’t have anything new to say then it is better to say nothing.

What about acknowledging someone else’s contribution? There are times you may not have a vastly new point but showing respect and appreciation for other people’s contributions can meaningfully engage dialogue and respect for others. E.g. John, I really appreciated the perspective you shared. It got me thinking in a new way and I’m wondering if others are also now considering this alternative view in a new light.

You Can Unlearn the Over-active Silence Habit and Speak with Purpose and Confidence.

With intention and practice, anyone can unlearn an over-active silence habit. Here are some tips to help you get unstuck and speak with confidence and purpose.

Reframe Your Purpose.  Recognize that judiciously speaking up is not about looking good. It’s about contribution. If you care about the team and the work at hand, and have wisdom and perspective to share (you do!), then lean in when it makes sense. Of course, your listening skills will help you determine when it is time to weigh in.

Speak up as a team player – Be the assist! When you speak up your comments can spark new ideas for others in the room. In hockey, one doesn’t always have to put the puck in the net directly. The ‘assist’ – lobbing the puck to someone else who scores the goal –  is equally of value. Responding to the discussion with an acknowledgment and perhaps a question can advance the conversation. E.g. Nabil, your earlier comment sparked a new thought. I’m wondering if it makes sense to look more closely at…maybe others have some ideas on this too?”

Frame your thoughts for what they are. Don’t sweat it if your thoughts are not yet perfectly formed. Be authentic and frame your comment accordingly.  E.g. Hey, quick thought here that is not fully validated but perhaps might be useful to consider…” Context matters so you can use your judgment when it is okay to converse more casually.

Be willing to be a bit uncomfortable at first. As you lean in with a bit of courage and practise speaking up more, with time you will start to feel more authentic and less self conscious.

At the end of the day it is not about whether to speak up or not. It’s about why, when, and how you do that matters.

Eileen Chadnick, PCC, of Big Cheese Coaching, is an ICF credentialed, two-time ICF (International Coaching Federation) Prism award winner, who works with leaders (emerging to experienced), and organizations, on navigating, leading and flourishing in times of flux, opportunity and challenge. She is the author of Ease: Manage Overwhelm in Times of Crazy Busy.